Then the questions

I tend to be a think a bit, act, think some more kinda girl. This means I major in spontaneity, risk taking and going for it. It also means I can minor in buying into my own decisions, self-moderating and personal change management. (can you tell my ex is a consultant?, that I've done time in the civil service? Laugh at myself on 'personal change management'!)

I'm a heart over head, in with both feet, leap then look, woman.
I'm working on slowing that down a little, not too much because it's part of my strength as well as problematic. Luckily I think my judgment's pretty good, so usually when I dive in, I'm glad I have, but quite often there's a whoo hoo what am I doing stage post the initial decision making.

That's where I am now.
Questions like

What kind of writer do I want to be?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What's more important, notoriety or integrity? Are they mutually exclusive?
What's the consequences of taking your wit and turning it on others?
When's that Ok and when's that just bullying?
Where is the line between art and life and life and art and how do you protect both simultaneously?
What price is too high a price for making dreams come true?

Making my mind hurt.

Most times when the post decision thinking sets in, I'm happy to take on that particularly human characteristic of defending the ones I made cos I made them. Building fences round my choices in my head to make it comfortable to live there.

This time, there's a voice, an assertive, soft voice promising wisdom saying 'hey baby, work this out before you start, course you can deviate, play round the edges, but don't just jump and hope and pray it's OK. This is boundary setting time'.

I hate boundary setting time. I want to play, I want to romp and stomp and learn as I go.
I realise that's fine for kids, messy and unattractive in adults.
I realise this is one of those critical get it sorted, solve the pain upfront, be a bloody grown up, times.
And wish I'd started this at 17


Naturally Ms Burchill brought this all on, or rather, my decision to try and use my power to ensure she is my mentor, brought it on.
It's not new, it's just suddenly pressing.
I can hardly turn up at her pinks and animal print laden palace in Brighton with these questions unanswered. I have to assume that's where all this leading, or else, why bother?

Answers on a postcard screaming decadence, or in the comments section please.

xxxxx