Oh shiny veneer, slick titles, you lie

Hurray I thought on first hearing I had a 'priviledge manager' at my bank, that sounds fun.

Which priviledges are mine for the taking? Interest free credit? Offshore banking for the three pounds twenty six in my savings account? Maybe a DVD player (I hear videos are going down the tube of technology past). No, I thought, I'll ask him, whilst I am totally skint and relying on my overdraft to pay my credit card and get me through the current lean spell, if they could give me a loan for consolidation purposes. No. They couldn't, not enough cash coming in you see.

The post-post, well- beyond-ironically titled priviledge manager(PM) then wrote to me, assuring me it was not their intention to cause any distress but could I give them a call to discuss my overdraft. Admittedly I took a while to get back as my mail goes to another address, but I called in time, had a nice thirty minute chat with a woman at a call centre where I explained my circumstances in detail, slipped in I had banked with them for well over a decade, always come good, and would soon be doing so again. Nice call centre lady said she would pass on all the details to Sam Samad. This seriously is the name of said PM. PM himself was unavailable, and in fact located in a branch somewhere within a thirty mile radius of the actual branch I bank with, reachable only via the call centre (in Swindon or some other town fit for call centre purposes). I left my number should PM wish to discuss offshore banking.

He called a couple of days later, I rang him straight back only to tour the call centre a few times before being assured a message would reach him within three hours. That night, go to use my card, declined. Next day, the letter comes. As we have not heard from you (????) and you look like you may be a bit skint, we've whipped away your overdraft, therefore making it impossible for you to pay your credit card, increased your interest rate to 30% as the Overdraft you have is now unathorised, oh and will charge you thirty quid when the credit card doesn't get paid. Don't try to top up credit on your mobile phone, we'll refuse even a fiver, do scrounge some cash to pay in, ring your new boss and go through the humiliation of begging for a letter saying you have a job now, phone us a few times from overseas and after all that, we will decide not to reinstate it.

We would like to assure you it is not our intention to cause our customers any distress.

I am sure I don't need a priviledge manager after all.